Today I turned forty six years old. This is not a worth
remembering number like forty or forty five or even fifty. Unglamorous and
un-cool a number as it is, I tend to think of becoming fifty in another four
years time. I cannot be forty six or fifty alone anymore. Each year that I
advance in age or each year that takes advantage of me tells me that I am not
alone. I am connected to a few people directly or indirectly who also advance
in age, become mature, become older and turn themselves into mellowed down
and wise people. Habit has made me think of my birthdays in comparison with the
age of my kids. One year added to my lived past is one year added to the living
present of their lives. I have been away from them for the last one year. I
have become one year older and they too have undergone the same test of time. I
think of my mother; she has also become one year older, a little bit wiser and
calmer. I think more of my late father. He had left me when he was fifty five
years old. I am just nine years from that cut off mark. I now know how my
father had felt when he was forty six years old.
At the age of forty six, I am worried about two things; my
health and my wealth. Generally speaking, people start worrying about their
health when they cross forty. It is then hormonal changes happen. It is when
your children go to school or college. It is when they fall in love and fall
out of love. It when your son comes back after a fight with friends. It is when
an accident changes the course of life. It is when your partner loses interest
in you. It is when you realize that you have managed a life so far and now it
is the time to live. So many things happen. You either become a dry
conservative or a radical non-conformist at this age. All these changes bring
different kinds of illness to your life. You call it life style diseases. Some
take pride in it and some get depressed by it. The more your stress level
increases the more you become prone to diseases. Like any other ordinary human
being I too have undergone high level of stress during the past few years which
has resulted into blood sugar. Doctors say that I have diabetic conditions.
Hence, I enter the threshold of my forty sixth year holding hands of a health
condition called diabetes.
I underwent a period of depression once I came to know that
I have this condition. I have been doing physical exercises for over twenty
five years. I should not have any health conditions. All these years I have had
only one prayer; let my children see me live and die a healthy life. I had seen
my father suffering from all kinds of ‘life style’ diseases and closing the
last chapter of his life in a very painful way. I never wanted to give my kids
that experience. But the genetic passage cannot be closed down permanently.
Diabetes, they say, comes because of two reasons; bad life style that includes
stress and genetic transference of illness codes. If I have a health condition
today, then I cannot look for any other external reasons. But I am not a meek
person to go down without giving it a fight. At the age of forty six I say it
with certainty that I could stop smoking and drinking without thinking twice.
Almost forty days back, when I came to know that I have blood sugar, I stopped
drinking and smoking on the same day. Till date I have not touched liquor or cigarette.
I have intensified my work out regime and I do not feel the legendary fatigue
and other symptoms that generally the diabetes patients undergo. When I look at
the mirror, I feel good about myself. Sometimes, I feel that abstaining from
social drinking is some kind of fanaticism or foolishness. But as I have
tremendous control over my body and mind, I could say no or yes to myself and
stick to it to the T.
The second thing is wealth. Once people hit forty, they
really worry about their wealth. But the smart and intelligence would have made
their money by this time. The rest of their life is all about stabilizing the
inflow of wealth, saving it for the future and enjoying a good life. If that is
the case, I should really worry about my wealth. At the age of forty six, I do
not have any wealth to claim for myself. I do not have a house, a car, a job or
anything that comes with a married man. By the way, I have to tell you that I
have filed for a divorce in a family court. Hence, for the time being, I do not
have a family either. I do not own any land or property anywhere in the world.
And a portion of land that is supposed to come to me from my ancestors would come
only when mother decides to give it to me. If she decides against it, then I
will be completely free of wealth in this world. But I am a happy man today. I
live off a suitcase, living in different places, in different people’s homes,
with different people cooking and serving food for me, with no baggage, with
the books bought, read and kept for keepsake in those houses where I happened
to spend a few days with an assurance that I would pick them back once I am
settled somewhere at some point of time. May be this is the price that I have
been paying for the TIME on this earth to spend the life of a writer. And I am
happy about it.
Recently, one of my college friends from Trivandrum, who is
settled in the US with her family, and doing well in life took an initiative to
create a whatsapp group of the students from the Bachelors and Masters in
English Literature of the University College, Trivandrum, from 1987 to 1992. I
happened to be one of them and I joined the group. I found all of my college
mates have progressed in life and have done good things so far with their
lives. In their midst I look the odd one out because I do not have a job to
talk about or anything else to flaunt. I have some writings but I do not know
how many of them would be interested to read me at all. But it is a happy
feeling that I am in the company of a few people who all might have turned
forty five or forty six by this time or would turn soon.
I try to be positive and want to keep my calm though I blow
my lid off at times. I live in other people’s houses. Though I create temporary
routines for myself depending on the cities where I live, when I am forced to
request for food or any other support system, a sense of humiliation comes over
me. But I soon overcome this negative feeling by filling myself with a sense of
gratitude towards all those people who have been appearing in my life from
nowhere and helping me to wade through the waves of time. Sometimes I feel that
I am a tamed animal. But as the poet said, I keep a forest in my mind and there
I walk like a king and talk like a king. I write from my wilderness; I have
winds, darkness, moonlight, stars, coldness, rocks and rivulets, trees, hills,
rocks and loneliness for company. When I write I write their memories, when I
live I live their present, when I sleep I sleep their remoteness, when I live I
live their celebrations. At the age of forty six, one has to be an excellent
actor. But in the forest of my mind, I am a naked man, devoid of costumes,
roles and dialogues. I am mute like a day’s sun and I am vocal like a night’s
silence. I am powerful like a mighty rock that loves a dark cloud and I am weak
like a rain that showers on a hill top. From there I flow down, like a murmur and
then like a roar. In between I am music. At forty six I am music.
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