When someone decides to walk out of a marriage, especially
after spending twenty years with a partner and having two children from her,
people might wonder why this person is doing such a drastic thing. Most of the
people first think of the kids and say that at least for the sake of the
children the warring partners should compromise and stay together. Some people
would ask that if you want to have a free life why you decided to have kids at
all. Some would immediately judge one of the partners. Some would show some
curiosity and yet another lot would watch things silently. Some may celebrate
it and some others may feel pity for the separating partners and even some
others may feel a secret happiness. Generally people feel sad for a separating
couple. They would enquire whether there would be any possibility to keep them
together. Give it a try, give peace a chance, think about the kids, think about
the career and give space to each other, they would say. Perhaps, by this time
I have heard and gone through all these. Still I want to be separated from my
legally married wife and in the process from the children also. I have been
going through various literature, debates, articles and discussions regarding
marriage discords and often I wonder how we have put up with each other for the
last twenty years.
When people decide to separate, in the public imagination,
one of the partners becomes the villain in the plot and the other, the victim. Here
I do not know whether I am the villain or the victim as I am very much inside
the plot. At times, I think I am the victim of oppression. At times I feel that
I am the villain. Today, as most of the people would sympathize with a woman
who is going through marriage discords, there are more chances that people
consider me as the villain in this family drama. I do not want to dispute that
fact. I could be a villain, especially seen from the woman’s perspective. I am
the family breaker because I want to get out of this shit called marriage. I
believe, after these twenty years that there are different ways to lead a
fruitful life. Having children is not a sin. But living a life that one does
not want to lead for the sake of children is the worst sin possible. That is a
crime done by one against his/her self. Living under the same roof, fighting
for something that cannot be solved and still leading a life of togetherness
for the sake of children makes a wonderful farce than a meaningful life. Children
grow up seeing this constant bickering between parents and they get depressed.
People keep doing this thinking that they are sticking together even when they
are fighting like cats and dogs, only for the sake of kids. In fact they ruin
the kids in the process. Children could grow meaningfully under one parent
rather than under two warlords up in arms against each other day in day out.
I am selfish. The sole aim of my life is to read and write;
nothing more nothing less. Whatever happens in between is a by-product of my
passion for reading and writing. I came to Delhi with the dream of becoming a
writer. I could have taken up a ‘ten to five job’ anywhere when life was really
difficult. I fought the temptation to do that and remained a freelancer all
these years. In between I took up some jobs and left in no time. I learnt one
way to live the life of a writer without doing anything else; to be frugal in
life. I brought down the level of my desire for having a so-called good life. I
stopped socializing and dressing well. I work for money also because I have to
look after the children and give them a decent and dignified life. But I do not
use that money for the gratification of my personal desires. If at all I spend
money, I spend it on books, my personal telephone bill and a few other vices
like an occasional drink at home and cigarettes. I am in a process to cut them
down too. I do travel but whenever I travel the expenditures are taken care of
by others. I travel for others and I do not travel for pleasure. Though I
accompany my family on vacations, I personally feel that I do not need any
vacations out of work because when I read or write I feel I am on a perpetual
vacation.
Some people like my frugal living. Some people detest it. It
is not necessary that your partner also likes all what you do. It is not
necessary that your freedom is always entertained by your partner. Every day
and every moment you evolve but it is not necessary that your partner needs to
see you as an evolved or an evolving person. There are certain fixed ideas that
you cherish about your partner. He or she is like that or has to be like that.
But how can one fit into that idea. As a writer I go through long periods of
depression but you have to show a cheerful face when you are in a family
situation. Sometimes you do not make any money. But you have the hope of making
it at some point. But you need space and time to do things. You cannot be
completely hammered into certain boxes of ideal life. I am not an ideal man. I
am a man who has erred and is prone to err. Some people deeply love me and they
like to see me as what I am. I do not consider that our life partners are
supermarkets that everything could be obtained from there. At times life’s meaning
could be sought elsewhere also. Happiness could be found outside marriage.
Marriage or family is not a certificate for happiness. The root of my marital
discord lies in my apparent devotion to another woman. I am countered with the question:
If my partner was doing the same, would I have put up with it? My answer is, if
I have created such a situation that my partner has to look out for solace
elsewhere, then definitely I have to put up with it. If I have gone elsewhere
seeking solace or finding it, then one has to think what has gone wrong or
right.
You call it cheating on the partner. You call it breach of
trust. You call it crime. You call it moral corruption. You call it
irresponsibility. You call it extra marital affair. You call it illegal. You
call it hundred and one names. But I do not think that I could be accused of
any of these. I have found happiness in another person, which my partner has
failed to give me. But the issue is, in the public perception, the person who
finds happiness out of marriage is wrong. The person who suffers inside the
family is right. I am not judging either here. What I want to do is only this
much: I just want to live and live in freedom. I want to read and write. I want
to live a meaningful life and I do not think that meaningful life comes only
through family life and compromising with all what it demands. I know that I am
going to pay a heavy price for my decision. I know that I am going to be
rendered useless for some time. I know that even I may face social ostracism.
But I am not going to live a life that does not give me any dignity. I am
walking out to freedom. May be I am a weak person that’s why I have to find
freedom by walking out. But the stronger one remains for the children. Death is
better than a life lived in oppression and indignity.
3 comments:
It requires honesty to end a worthless relationship, whatever it is. personally, i feel children grow up, they understand eventually. its better to let them find their own space rather than burden them with an unhappy situation called stability of home.
You are a very articulate man, hence you voice your concerns. I' ve gone through the same process and oh man, it's so good to find your true self. I stand by you , mon ami :))
One needs tremendous courage to be honest to self.....and in the process with others too...
Live a meaningful fulfilling life....Johny..happy for u..
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